Yes , a smidgen of it was to do with the thing I knew I'd stress about as I'd left it till the last minute...but it was heavier and felt bigger than that.
Something I've been working towards for the last 9 months with excitement and eagerness now felt rubbish, and I was quite up for jacking it all in. That in itself scared me!
I sugar coated this heaviness with postive thoughts....you know the likes.... "It'll work out all right in the end"..."It's just an off day", "I'll feel better in the morning"....
But the feeling remained, and to add to it I managed to strain my back (while sitting?!Agony!)) and my hands came out in this wierd itchy rash.
What the heck.....
At times like this I've learned there is really only one thing to do, and despite our natural instinct to flee from ALL uncomfortableness, (already done with no success! ), the answer is to dive in and FEEL.....
So I did.
And who should I meet as I dived in to feel...but this tiny little huddled up fear called Failure.
The relief was immediate.
Turns out just a simple acknowledgment was all this fear wanted.
All I could think of was why hadn't I done this days ago?!
Digging deeper it was clear my fear of Failure was in some serious need of a hug and some love, because despite it trying to change and grow in the situation, it was struggling to let go of the only things it knows..which is to protect me ...and to be afraid of failing.
So I sent some love as well as hug upon hug...and what would you know..........we became friends. And the Failure fear revealed to me that it really wouldn't need to show up if something new, exciting and expansive wasn't being attempted.
The heaviness feeling had lifted and yep!shortly after my back eased up and my hands lost their itch.
The wall had been climbed over.
So now I finish off the last little bits before heading down to London, with excitement and anticipation restored.
Who knows what will happen...truth is it doesn't really matter. But I'm all for making friends with the uncomfy bits, the parts yet to reveal themselves, the uncertainty and unknown.
Because that's where the magic is and this is the life I've chosen.
Can I get a hell yeah?! ...
Thanks Rachel Castle!